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Post by I Love Melvin on Jul 21, 2024 14:48:44 GMT
The Mole People (1956): What happens underground stays underground.
It's time to get all science-y and this epic of latex-masked monster cinema starts with a lecture (complete with a prop globe of the world) by Dr. Frank Baxter, who used to pop up on TV al lot in the 1950's, sort of like Neil deGrasse Tyson today, minus the gravitas. He shows us "ancient" charts and diagrams showing concentric inner worlds, giving equal validity to theoretical claptrap and...What's that other thing?..Oh yeah, science. "Primitive man, going into caves, reaching back and back and down and down, wondering what lay beyond." It's almost like he was describing the devolving nature of Universal's horror franchise as it wheezed its way into the 1950's, leaving us with ridiculousness like this. But so fun.
After the titles emerge from a smoking crater, we find ourselves in "Asia", looking oddly like the landscape in which every American western has been filmed since day one. Our stalwart archaeologists, led by Dr. Roger Bentley (John Agar), have uncovered an ancient Sumerian tablet recounting a dynasty which disappeared from the face of the Earth. Well, where did it go, you may ask? Stick around. But, oops, the tablet goes on to say that the curse of Ishtar is upon anyone removing it, just as a loud BOOM outside ushers in an earthquake. Fellow team member Dr. Jud Bellamin (Hugh Beaumont....Beaver's dad!!) later sums it up: "That earthquake put us back at least a month." Just then, a shepherd boy brings a lamp he found "high, high", pointing to Mt. Kuitara, which was, notes team member Dr. Etienne Lafarge (Nestor Paiva), "the epicenter of the earthquake". Our geniuses theorize the lamp must have fallen from even higher on the mountain during the earthquake. Engravings on the lamp tell "the Sumerian version of Noah's Ark", told by Sharu. Agar makes the immediate decision to uproot the whole operation to the mountaintop, using the justification that "Schliemann found the ruins of Troy by trusting Homer, the biggest blabbermouth of all", so why not trust Sharu? Time to check this guy's credentials.
After some stock footage of porters bearing loads across streams, then heavily clothed climbers on icy slopes, and finally some grainy avalanche footage, they near the plateau, where they find the arm of a statue in the snow, figuring the avalanche brought it down. Beaumont (I'm giving up using character names, which hardly ever even come up.): "In this thin air it's possible to imagine anything", which strikes me as the kind of encouragement to artistic license the screenwriters don't need. Finally, we reach the plateau and the ruins of a Sumerian temple, justifying, I suppose, Agar's pigheadedness...I mean determination.
Agar: "To make sense out of this is going to take a while." That's OK. We've got popcorn. But forget that because one of the team falls through a giant sinkhole. To search for him the fellows go down, down, down, just like Dr. Baxter said, and guess what, it starts getting warmer. At the bottom of the shaft their rope gives way and starts a landslide. Paiva: "We are trapped here." Kinda feel that way myself. Agar: "Hey, this isn't a natural cavern. It's been excavated." We don't have to wait long to find out by whom, as they soon emerge into a vast open cavern in the middle of which sits the ruins of a splendid city by a river, "probably lit by some chemical in the rock". OK. Why not?
The first thing they run into is a plaque (in ancient Sumerian, naturally): "With the stones of the mountain have I built this temple. Sharu." See how the pieces are all coming together? Agar's mind is racing: "So that's how the dynasty ended. They ran away from a flood and right into an earthquake."
To get some rest, they simply lie down on the sparkly black sand, when....OMG...unseen by them, out of the sand comes a pair of hands, with claws. Oh good. This is what we came for.
A latex monster head with faceted glowing eyeballs follows and next thing you know the guys have hoods thrown over their heads and are pulled head first into the ground. (Don't think for a moment this effect is awesome. Every time it happens you can see the sand collapsing into the hollowed-out pit the actors are in.) They awake in some kind of dungeon, with claw marks on Paiva's body, and discover chained to the wall some skeletons with elongated skulls. Agar: "All we can say for sure is that they have a skull large enough to house associative areas." Dr. Frank Baxter would be so proud of you.
A wall of the cave slides open and in come a couple of Flash Gordon-y soldiers with a sort of Nike symbol on their uniforms, which turns out to be the sign of Ishtar. Agar: "Gentlemen, we're in 3,000 B.C." Nah. It's 1956 and it couldn't be more obvious.
Elinu (Alan Napier), the high priest of all these weirdos, confronts them in the throne room. I love this guy, one of the great schlock sci-fi villains, with a craggy John Carradine face, chalky white clown make-up, and scraggly Fu Manchu moustache. Chrstopher Lee couldn't have done it better. He holds aloft the symbol: "In my hand I hold the Eye of Ishtar, the sacred weapon of Ishtar, the golden rod, the secret of death." To King Nazir (Rodd Redwing): "There, O king, are the evil ones captured by the beasts of the dark."
Our heroes are sentenced to die in the Fire of Ishtar, but knock out some guards and escape through the tunnel. turning their flashlight on their pursuers, which causes them to recoil in horror. They can't tolerate the light. Never mind that they just came from a brightly lit throne room, but I guess we've already been told that's from "chemicals in the rocks" or somesuch. Anyway, the guys now have the upper hand. Agar: "We won the first round", as the throne room clears out after the first beam from the flashlight. "They have to kill us because we made them doubt that their world is the only world, that their answers are the only answers." As true today as it was 3,000 years ago. They decide to explore escape routes and discover an open cavernous pit where albino soldiers are flogging the beasts, and at last we meet the Mole People! It's the mirror image of The Time Machine, in which the beasts were the masters and the humans slaves.
Paiva runs in fear, but is confronted and killed by a beast, which is then driven away by the flashlight. Stuff just got real. The two remaining guys bury him under some sparkly rocks. "Well, at least Lafarge is at rest where he always lived, in the world of the past."
The creepy priest Elinu approaches, saying: "We come to you as friends. Since you've shown you possess the divine fire of Ishtar, the king is now convinced you are holy messengers." A royal feast is then held. King: "Our kingdom is your home", just as a non-albino serving girl, Adad (Cynthia Patrick) enters with a tray of funky looking mushrooms, accidentally dropping them on the floor. If you've seen Queen of Outer Space or Cat Women of the Moon or any of that ilk, you already know she's the one the hero's going to fall for. A guard steps forward to lash her but Agar intercedes. Priest: "Do not interfere. The king's word is law." Agar: "The Fire of Ishtar is the law", at least settling things until the batteries run out.
Turns out Adad is one of the few with "the mark of darkness" (ie: not albino) and that only "the highest number our sacred food can nourish" are allowed to live. Beaumont: "What do you do when your population exceeds that number?" Priest: "We kill them." Oh. OK. Just chuck 'em into the Fire of Ishtar.
Agar manages some alone time with Adad for some chatty repartee, with our scientist waxing poetic about the beauties of the world above.
He'd better be looking over his shoulder, though, because the freaky priest isn't buying any of it and is trying to rally the other priests. "The king has shown weakness and poor judgement. He believes in the divinity of these intruders...We should possess it (the flashlight) to control the beasts of the dark" and, in his best Darth Vader voice, "Bring me that cylinder!" We're underground, after all, so I guess we should've expected a little hell to break loose, which it soon does because the king has been rationing the beasts' food and, all of a sudden, guards are going missing, being dragged into the ground and swallowed up, probably literally. The beasts are beaten as punishment and the guys interfere again, but as soon as the guards flee the batteries run out. You've been waiting for that one, haven't you? The king decides it's time to economize by sending more people into the Fire of Ishtar, so we get a lovely dancing albino slave girl ceremony as maidens are sent through the door into the intense light, dropping their robes as they go, after which the priest in a black hood closes the door.
Next, Paiva's body is discovered and the priest convinces the king that they're mortal after all. Priest: "Give me the power to act!" King: "You have it." The priest poisons their mushroom and seizes the guys, dragging them back to the throne room to be sacrificed you-know-where.
Adad freaks out and flees into the cave of the beasts, where, in true classic sci-fi fashion, she's dragged into the ground by a monster before our startled eyes. All the beasts retreat into the ground and the guards are left alone. because the beasts are burrowing into the temple to attack the priest and his cronies.
Lots of growling and thrashing ensue, leading to the beasts breaking down Ishtar's door, allowing Adad to step out into the light. "It's warm and beautiful." Agar, now joining her: "Sunlight. To your people it was a burning death, but to us it's life. A long time ago your people came from our world. You're living proof that that's true."
SPOILER: The gallant guys take Adad with them on the long climb through the shaft, coincidentally ending up right at their old campsite. But then it's one of those pesky earthquakes and Adad runs for cover in panic and is crushed by a pillar, while we see a shot of the underground temple being demolished by the earthquake and the sacred symbol of Ishtar crashing to the ground. The End. Seriously? OMG, how perfunctory was that? But at least we've been spared Dr. Frank Baxter trying to explain what the hell just happened. I can tell you exactly what happened: a Bad Movie We Love, Middle Earth edition. Good luck not dreaming about rubber masks with glowy eyes and evil albinos with Fu Manchu moustaches.
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Post by I Love Melvin on Aug 27, 2024 15:01:25 GMT
Coming Soon...Before Imitation of Life, Douglas Sirk directed this Imitation of History.
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Post by I Love Melvin on Aug 28, 2024 14:41:34 GMT
Sign of the Pagan (1954): Attila the Hun and Pope Leo I in the grudge match of the century!...the Fifth Century, to be exact.
At the risk of wearing out my welcome, it's time for a history lesson. You've been neglecting your studies. We all love Douglas Sirk (I can speak for everyone in the world, right?) for the glossy opulence of his nutty tearjerkers, but he also had an uncanny ability to retool his directorial style for more manly endeavors like Captain Lightfoot (1954) and Taza, Son of Cochise (1953), both of which helped catapult matinee-idol-to-be Rock Hudson into a career which outlasted such lowbrow entertainment. Another film from that same era was Sirk's historical epic Sign of the Pagan (1954), which dared to ask the question of whether or not Jack Palance could keep it down to a dull roar, the answer being once in a while.
First we see hordes...hordes, I tell you. At least forty...of barbarians on horseback marching through the wastelands of...Is that Utah? The Spahn Ranch?...under a standard thrown together by the prop department out of horns and scraps of fur and freaky-looking skulls, which a blaring title informs us is the SIGN OF THE PAGAN, and not just something left over from Mardi Gras.
Next we see huts in flames as women and babies flee this advancing scourge, though I'm sure there were good people on both sides...Too soon? All this has rattled the good folks of Rome, who have sent an emissary to Emperor Theodosius in Constantinople to unify the Empire against the threat. But wily Attila (Jack Palance) has captured him, Marcian, a centurian of Emperor Valentinian's guard. It's Universal's hunk-du-jour, Jeff Chandler, Victor Mature presumably having been tied up filming Demetrius and the Gladiators over at Fox. Attila understands the value of having this captive who's so close to the emperor and personally cuts an arrow from his leg to test his bravery, with the help of his daughter Kubra (Rita Gam), a feisty type looking to follow in Daddy's footsteps as a warrior. Attila: "I like this Roman. He is brave." Kubra: "Since when does my father hold such affection for a Roman?" Daddy: "I have none. But I have a use for him. I would learn more of the Roman manner of making war." (We're going to hear a lot of this kind of stilted dialogue out of the king of the barbarians, who ends up sounding more like a Mongol poet laureate than a thug.) While Marcian's leg is healing, the captive daughter of a conquered king, Ildigo (Allison Hayes...The 50-Foot Woman!!), is brought before them in rags. Attila: "Release her. Let her join my wives." Oh. He's that kind of despot.
The others are ordered to be killed. Marcian: "Why must they die?" Attila: "I do not understand these Christians. An enemy who remains alive is always an enemy." The perks of not having to run for office. "The more I am feared, the easier grow my conquests, and that is how your great Roman Empire was built...I use only what I learned when Rome held me hostage." Touche. But before he can be put to work training Attila's men, Marcian flashes his baby blues at Kubra, who melts into an ingenue before our eyes. He pretends to "know nothing of horses" and, as Kubra proudly parades Daddy's favorite horse in front of him, he jumps on and rides away, putting Kubra in the doghouse big time.
Next we see Marcian riding toward ancient Constantinople in the distance. Don't bump into the matte painting. He finds the court divided into factions as he reports to General Paulinus (Jeff Morrow, about as Twentieth Century a dude as you're going to find). The general spills the beans: "Theodosius plans to rule the eastern empire as his own independent kingdom. He has made secret treaties with a number of the barbarian tribes."
Meanwhile, Theodosius (George Dolenz...Mickey's father!) is badgering his sister Pulcheria (Ludmilla Tcherina) to attend a feast he's planning to woo the barbarian leaders. "You will be jeweled as befits the sister of an emperor." Pulcheria: "I will not!" She's still loyal to Rome and won't take any you-know-what from her brother. She later has Marcian summoned to her chambers, where, as befits her name, she puts on a display of pulchritude meant to charm him. Marcian: "I fear I would lose all count of time in the presence of so much beauty." That's the whole idea, bud.
When she has him transferred to duty as captain of her personal guard, the general tells him that "Pulcharia is her brother's prisoner. Once they were co-regents but he took all power to himself...If she resists when he moves to break from Rome, her life will be in great danger." The princess decides to attend the feast after all, escorted by her new guard captain, and who should crash the party but Attila and Kubra. Attila: "These lesser men owe allegiance to me. They stand at my command", which they do to show the emperor who's boss. The evening's entertainment is "the invincible Herculanus", who "challenges all to combat". Attila proceeds to tear him a new one and, as a reward, Attila gets his revenge by having the emperor assign Marcian to him to teach his men the Roman art of war. Pulcheria then summons Attila, trying to lure him into an alliance to protect Rome's interests. The pulchritude thing again, but this time it doesn't work, with Attila planting a big savage kiss on her, but then walking away, taking her big-ass ring with him as "the price of a barbarian's kiss".
Marcian also makes a pitch to Attila: "Do not move on Rome. Rome was built on conquests, just as you once said. But now Rome itself has been conquered, not by a sword but by Christians who carry only a cross. So Rome can never fall...Men cannot conquer God." Attila laughs it off, but daughter Kubra, meeting Marcian later, is now glowing with inner peace all of a sudden, telling Marcian: "Here, inside your temple, I felt a gentler way of life, a world of peace." Out of nowhere...instant flower child.
But Attila is po'd, telling Marcian: "I have marked how she speaks more and more like a Christian", berating her into riding away with him. Something tells me we haven't heard the last of Kubra's brush with faith.
Back out in the wild, Attila summons the chiefs and leaders in secret and, as thunder crashes, he tells them: "Rome is no longer one empire. It is divided in two. Being divided, her power is but half." He may be barbarous, but he can do the math.
He tells them: "We cannot fail. There are signs and portents", but his Persian soothsayer (Eduard Franz) tries to warn him that "the time of Rome's destruction is yet distant". But the chiefs are all riled up and agree to ride with Attila when he tells them: "This Christian god is not a god of war, He is a weak god who preaches meekness." Somebody get this guy a copy of the Old Testament. Raising his sword, he proclaims: "There is only one god who can lead us to victory and this is his sign!" Just then, right on cue, in a less-than-stunning display of special effects, a lightning bolt cleaves a tree in two, toppling it onto Attila's top guy/holy man. Kubra: "It is good you hold this Christian god in fear." Attila: "I hold none in fear. I have seen his lightning and he is too powerful to have as an enemy."
Back in Constantinople, Theodosius is sick of Marcian's nagging about unifying the Empire and places him under house arrest. That does it, so Paulinus gathers his men and helps Marcian to force Theodosius to abdicate in favor of Pulcheria and she transfers power to Paulinus while she and Marcian head to Rome to set things right. Meanwhile, Attila summons his soothsayer, who tells him: "By the stars and other sorceries I see him wearing the purple of Rome. The Roman crosses swords with you, bringing you to a fall." Attila tells him of the old Persian woman who cared for him as a child who saw him lying bloodied on the ground under the shadow of the Christian cross. The soothsayer sees him meeting "a cloud of misty white and a man in white" and, lo and behold, when Attila's troops gather on the banks of the Tiber, who should come boating across the river in a heavenly mist but Pope Leo himself (Moroni Olsen), come to dissuade him from attacking the city.
"I am Leo, servant of the servants of God." Attila: "I have no quarrel with your holy men. I make war against Rome, not against your god." Pope Leo: "Rome is a Christian city and a temple of God." Guess he's never seen La Dolce Vita. Using papal prerogative to have the last word, Leo sails back into the mist, saying: "God can smite any man who provokes his wrath", leaving Attila to fearfully accuse Kubra of betraying him. "Who told him things he could not know?" Kubra: "I told him...My father, turn away from Rome...I am a Christian." Attila drunkenly tosses his dagger, killing his own daughter. I think somebody just provoked God's wrath.
Meanwhile, Marcian, now a general thanks to Pulcheria, has arrived with his forces at a matte painting of Rome itself, but finds Valentinian (Walter Coy) hastily packing up his royal trinkets and valuables, pointing to this sculpture and that painting, and preparing to flee the city. "Finding no resistance, Attila may spare the people. That is my hope...I leave the city in your hands." So, just like that, guess who's now in charge of the whole Roman Empire.
When Attila's spies in Rome inform him Marcian is now in charge, our angsty barbarian freaks out, remembering the prophecy, and, after dreaming of a host of Christian martyrs marching against him, Attila gives the order to turn away and march north.
SPOILER: Using that newly imperial brain of his, Marcian suspects a ruse and orders a pursuit to ambush the barbarians. In the tumult...and there's plenty of it...Marcian and Attila finally cross swords but, surprise, surprise, abused and neglected wife Ildigo pops out of nowhere and stabs Attila.
He falls to the ground, as the Persian notes the shadow of the cross created by the handle of Ildigo's dagger. Attila: "Your God brought me to a fall...Persian, bury me deep."
Finally, we see Pulcheria, under the approving eye of Pope Leo, crowning Marcian emperor (and presumably hubby), as they turn to accept the roar of joyful adoration emanating from a matte painting of the citizenry of Rome.
Who needs CGI when you have such great cheesy special effects? So there you have it...history lite, courtesy of a bad movie we love.
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Post by kims on Aug 28, 2024 15:12:59 GMT
Love the way you reviewed this.
The fifties must have been an era of Christianity wins in the end.
Maybe at time of filming, not much was known about this time of history. The facts would have made a great film. Emperor's sister did not co-rule, she was mother of the next emperor of the western empire ( or was it the eastern-whatever). To rule the empire, you must have alliances, which can change according to who offers the most, and you must excel at intrigues. Women's role was as symbol of alliance. After all, Livia's first husband divorced her and gave her to Augustus for financial considerations. You need a guidebook to follow who married his daughter to who for what political and financial purpose and who divorces who to trade up a model so to speak for greater status.
Why the facts have a potential for great film is that emperor's sister sent Attila a message that she would marry him if he aligned with her son-isn't mother love great?
It's been decades since I saw this film-I'm up for watching it again
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Post by I Love Melvin on Aug 28, 2024 15:51:59 GMT
Love the way you reviewed this. The fifties must have been an era of Christianity wins in the end. Maybe at time of filming, not much was known about this time of history. The facts would have made a great film. Emperor's sister did not co-rule, she was mother of the next emperor of the western empire ( or was it the eastern-whatever). To rule the empire, you must have alliances, which can change according to who offers the most, and you must excel at intrigues. Women's role was as symbol of alliance. After all, Livia's first husband divorced her and gave her to Augustus for financial considerations. You need a guidebook to follow who married his daughter to who for what political and financial purpose and who divorces who to trade up a model so to speak for greater status. Why the facts have a potential for great film is that emperor's sister sent Attila a message that she would marry him if he aligned with her son-isn't mother love great? It's been decades since I saw this film-I'm up for watching it again Yeah, I think audiences wanted to see easily identifiable types onscreen, so history was put through a meat grinder. I love how DeMille credited all sorts of historical records to give a veneer of gravitas to The Ten Commandments, then turned around and cranked out such a potboiler (of which I'm a huge fan). But, like you said, we live in a time when history at least stands a chance of getting a fair shake and it would be nice to see a more faithful version of the story, given the facts you provided. Truthfully, I didn't even know what Sirk got wrong and what he got right. I was just riffing on the absurdity of some of the movie, but I'd definitely be open to seeing a better account some day. |
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Post by kims on Oct 1, 2024 23:01:04 GMT
THE SCARLET EMPRESS. I watch it every time it runs on TCM. I can't tell you if the story is good, or if the acting and directing is good.
I watch for all those incredible sets. It's like a Dali nightmare: skeleton clutching a serving bowl; gargoyle-like figures with agonized faces and ribs protruding, doors big enough for commercial airplanes to go through and requiring a half dozen people to open; scenes with what must be a thousand candles; chairs with a face above the back. Must have taken months to create all this stuff.
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Post by I Love Melvin on Oct 4, 2024 23:44:58 GMT
THE SCARLET EMPRESS. I watch it every time it runs on TCM. I can't tell you if the story is good, or if the acting and directing is good. I watch for all those incredible sets. It's like a Dali nightmare: skeleton clutching a serving bowl; gargoyle-like figures with agonized faces and ribs protruding, doors big enough for commercial airplanes to go through and requiring a half dozen people to open; scenes with what must be a thousand candles; chairs with a face above the back. Must have taken months to create all this stuff. What are you talking about? Looks like normal palace living to me. I think Dietrich and Von Sternberg were nearing the end of their personal and professional relationship, so maybe some of that surfaced in the stylized and threatening environment he created for her? Strange things can come out when good relationships go bad. Paramount apparently had a very hands-off view of his work for them, so he may have felt too free to go this far and they terminated his contract not long after. I wonder what contemporary audiences thought of this movie, because I'm sure the studio heard about it if they weren't happy. Dietrich was on that notorious "Box Office Poison" list with Hepburn and others, and The Scarlet Empress might have been part of the reason for that. I'm a Dietrich fan, but I think you're right that this movie is a little much.   |
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Post by I Love Melvin on Oct 29, 2024 15:35:52 GMT
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Post by kims on Oct 29, 2024 20:24:06 GMT
Long ago I saw THE STRIPPER. I remember it as a film that I wondered why is this film not hitting the mark? Performances are good, etc., but is it weak dialogue? As I Love Melvin points out some costuming misses? My category for the film is "I like it, I don't know why, but I don't remember recommending it to anyone."
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Post by I Love Melvin on Oct 30, 2024 12:43:22 GMT
Long ago I saw THE STRIPPER. I remember it as a film that I wondered why is this film not hitting the mark? Performances are good, etc., but is it weak dialogue? As I Love Melvin points out some costuming misses? My category for the film is "I like it, I don't know why, but I don't remember recommending it to anyone." Even after talking myself through the whole thing, I'm still not exactly sure either. I think it missed more than one mark, so the problem was compounded. For me, Rick's speech at the end about how she'd be cruising street corners looking for any trick she could find in six months was in sharp contrast to the tone of the rest of the movie, and maybe that tone should have been reflected more throughout the movie. The pretty kewpie doll we see should have been more worn down and worn out, especially having kept company with a slimy guy like Rick. I get that Inge wanted to show her as resilient, but to be truly resilient she would have had to be seen from the beginning as coming back from some kind of brink, whereas, even though a suicide attempt is suggested, we see her coasting on her naive optimism, with some bad life experiences clouding her memories, but seemingly without much effect on her psyche. I know most movies are storyboarded in some way, but this one had the feel of a storyboard come to life, with overly simplified characters being put through their paces in an overly simplified framework. I admittedly didn't look far, but I couldn't find how long the play ran, though I know that isn't always an indicator of quality. But I did find out that Lila's troupe was part of the tent show circuit during the Depression, a much grittier milieu than we see in the movie. Also, I see that Warren Beatty originated the role of Kenny on Broadway, which makes me wish he's been tapped for the screen version. I mentioned Gypsy Rose Lee's surprisingly ineffective performance, but I think Richard Beymer fell into that category too, and he was right there at the center of the whole thing. Joanne did a good job as Lila, but she was best as shrewdly self-reliant characters like Clara in The Long Hot Summer and we don't see much of that in the Lila character as written, so she didn't get to call on her real strengths. |
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Post by NoShear on Nov 9, 2024 20:02:50 GMT
The Mole People (1956): What happens underground stays underground.
It's time to get all science-y and this epic of latex-masked monster cinema starts with a lecture (complete with a prop globe of the world) by Dr. Frank Baxter, who used to pop up on TV al lot in the 1950's, sort of like Neil deGrasse Tyson today, minus the gravitas. He shows us "ancient" charts and diagrams showing concentric inner worlds, giving equal validity to theoretical claptrap and...What's that other thing?..Oh yeah, science. "Primitive man, going into caves, reaching back and back and down and down, wondering what lay beyond." It's almost like he was describing the devolving nature of Universal's horror franchise as it wheezed its way into the 1950's, leaving us with ridiculousness like this. But so fun.
After the titles emerge from a smoking crater, we find ourselves in "Asia", looking oddly like the landscape in which every American western has been filmed since day one. Our stalwart archaeologists, led by Dr. Roger Bentley (John Agar), have uncovered an ancient Sumerian tablet recounting a dynasty which disappeared from the face of the Earth. Well, where did it go, you may ask? Stick around. But, oops, the tablet goes on to say that the curse of Ishtar is upon anyone removing it, just as a loud BOOM outside ushers in an earthquake. Fellow team member Dr. Jud Bellamin (Hugh Beaumont....Beaver's dad!!) later sums it up: "That earthquake put us back at least a month." Just then, a shepherd boy brings a lamp he found "high, high", pointing to Mt. Kuitara, which was, notes team member Dr. Etienne Lafarge (Nestor Paiva), "the epicenter of the earthquake". Our geniuses theorize the lamp must have fallen from even higher on the mountain during the earthquake. Engravings on the lamp tell "the Sumerian version of Noah's Ark", told by Sharu. Agar makes the immediate decision to uproot the whole operation to the mountaintop, using the justification that "Schliemann found the ruins of Troy by trusting Homer, the biggest blabbermouth of all", so why not trust Sharu? Time to check this guy's credentials.
After some stock footage of porters bearing loads across streams, then heavily clothed climbers on icy slopes, and finally some grainy avalanche footage, they near the plateau, where they find the arm of a statue in the snow, figuring the avalanche brought it down. Beaumont (I'm giving up using character names, which hardly ever even come up.): "In this thin air it's possible to imagine anything", which strikes me as the kind of encouragement to artistic license the screenwriters don't need. Finally, we reach the plateau and the ruins of a Sumerian temple, justifying, I suppose, Agar's pigheadedness...I mean determination.
Agar: "To make sense out of this is going to take a while." That's OK. We've got popcorn. But forget that because one of the team falls through a giant sinkhole. To search for him the fellows go down, down, down, just like Dr. Baxter said, and guess what, it starts getting warmer. At the bottom of the shaft their rope gives way and starts a landslide. Paiva: "We are trapped here." Kinda feel that way myself. Agar: "Hey, this isn't a natural cavern. It's been excavated." We don't have to wait long to find out by whom, as they soon emerge into a vast open cavern in the middle of which sits the ruins of a splendid city by a river, "probably lit by some chemical in the rock". OK. Why not?
The first thing they run into is a plaque (in ancient Sumerian, naturally): "With the stones of the mountain have I built this temple. Sharu." See how the pieces are all coming together? Agar's mind is racing: "So that's how the dynasty ended. They ran away from a flood and right into an earthquake."
To get some rest, they simply lie down on the sparkly black sand, when....OMG...unseen by them, out of the sand comes a pair of hands, with claws. Oh good. This is what we came for.
A latex monster head with faceted glowing eyeballs follows and next thing you know the guys have hoods thrown over their heads and are pulled head first into the ground. (Don't think for a moment this effect is awesome. Every time it happens you can see the sand collapsing into the hollowed-out pit the actors are in.) They awake in some kind of dungeon, with claw marks on Paiva's body, and discover chained to the wall some skeletons with elongated skulls. Agar: "All we can say for sure is that they have a skull large enough to house associative areas." Dr. Frank Baxter would be so proud of you.
A wall of the cave slides open and in come a couple of Flash Gordon-y soldiers with a sort of Nike symbol on their uniforms, which turns out to be the sign of Ishtar. Agar: "Gentlemen, we're in 3,000 B.C." Nah. It's 1956 and it couldn't be more obvious.
Elinu (Alan Napier), the high priest of all these weirdos, confronts them in the throne room. I love this guy, one of the great schlock sci-fi villains, with a craggy John Carradine face, chalky white clown make-up, and scraggly Fu Manchu moustache. Chrstopher Lee couldn't have done it better. He holds aloft the symbol: "In my hand I hold the Eye of Ishtar, the sacred weapon of Ishtar, the golden rod, the secret of death." To King Nazir (Rodd Redwing): "There, O king, are the evil ones captured by the beasts of the dark."
Our heroes are sentenced to die in the Fire of Ishtar, but knock out some guards and escape through the tunnel. turning their flashlight on their pursuers, which causes them to recoil in horror. They can't tolerate the light. Never mind that they just came from a brightly lit throne room, but I guess we've already been told that's from "chemicals in the rocks" or somesuch. Anyway, the guys now have the upper hand. Agar: "We won the first round", as the throne room clears out after the first beam from the flashlight. "They have to kill us because we made them doubt that their world is the only world, that their answers are the only answers." As true today as it was 3,000 years ago. They decide to explore escape routes and discover an open cavernous pit where albino soldiers are flogging the beasts, and at last we meet the Mole People! It's the mirror image of The Time Machine, in which the beasts were the masters and the humans slaves.
Paiva runs in fear, but is confronted and killed by a beast, which is then driven away by the flashlight. Stuff just got real. The two remaining guys bury him under some sparkly rocks. "Well, at least Lafarge is at rest where he always lived, in the world of the past."
The creepy priest Elinu approaches, saying: "We come to you as friends. Since you've shown you possess the divine fire of Ishtar, the king is now convinced you are holy messengers." A royal feast is then held. King: "Our kingdom is your home", just as a non-albino serving girl, Adad (Cynthia Patrick) enters with a tray of funky looking mushrooms, accidentally dropping them on the floor. If you've seen Queen of Outer Space or Cat Women of the Moon or any of that ilk, you already know she's the one the hero's going to fall for. A guard steps forward to lash her but Agar intercedes. Priest: "Do not interfere. The king's word is law." Agar: "The Fire of Ishtar is the law", at least settling things until the batteries run out.
Turns out Adad is one of the few with "the mark of darkness" (ie: not albino) and that only "the highest number our sacred food can nourish" are allowed to live. Beaumont: "What do you do when your population exceeds that number?" Priest: "We kill them." Oh. OK. Just chuck 'em into the Fire of Ishtar.
Agar manages some alone time with Adad for some chatty repartee, with our scientist waxing poetic about the beauties of the world above.
He'd better be looking over his shoulder, though, because the freaky priest isn't buying any of it and is trying to rally the other priests. "The king has shown weakness and poor judgement. He believes in the divinity of these intruders...We should possess it (the flashlight) to control the beasts of the dark" and, in his best Darth Vader voice, "Bring me that cylinder!" We're underground, after all, so I guess we should've expected a little hell to break loose, which it soon does because the king has been rationing the beasts' food and, all of a sudden, guards are going missing, being dragged into the ground and swallowed up, probably literally. The beasts are beaten as punishment and the guys interfere again, but as soon as the guards flee the batteries run out. You've been waiting for that one, haven't you? The king decides it's time to economize by sending more people into the Fire of Ishtar, so we get a lovely dancing albino slave girl ceremony as maidens are sent through the door into the intense light, dropping their robes as they go, after which the priest in a black hood closes the door.
Next, Paiva's body is discovered and the priest convinces the king that they're mortal after all. Priest: "Give me the power to act!" King: "You have it." The priest poisons their mushroom and seizes the guys, dragging them back to the throne room to be sacrificed you-know-where.
Adad freaks out and flees into the cave of the beasts, where, in true classic sci-fi fashion, she's dragged into the ground by a monster before our startled eyes. All the beasts retreat into the ground and the guards are left alone. because the beasts are burrowing into the temple to attack the priest and his cronies.
Lots of growling and thrashing ensue, leading to the beasts breaking down Ishtar's door, allowing Adad to step out into the light. "It's warm and beautiful." Agar, now joining her: "Sunlight. To your people it was a burning death, but to us it's life. A long time ago your people came from our world. You're living proof that that's true."
SPOILER: The gallant guys take Adad with them on the long climb through the shaft, coincidentally ending up right at their old campsite. But then it's one of those pesky earthquakes and Adad runs for cover in panic and is crushed by a pillar, while we see a shot of the underground temple being demolished by the earthquake and the sacred symbol of Ishtar crashing to the ground. The End. Seriously? OMG, how perfunctory was that? But at least we've been spared Dr. Frank Baxter trying to explain what the hell just happened. I can tell you exactly what happened: a Bad Movie We Love, Middle Earth edition. Good luck not dreaming about rubber masks with glowy eyes and evil albinos with Fu Manchu moustaches.
I Love Melvin, consider - and maybe you already are doing this - holding back observations to some extent should you someday reach out to see publication of your reviews. |
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Post by I Love Melvin on Nov 10, 2024 14:04:44 GMT
I Love Melvin, consider - and maybe you already are doing this - holding back observations to some extent should you someday reach out to see publication of your reviews. Thanks, NoShear, but I'm just doing it for the fun of it and also to help flesh out this relatively new site. There are so many content creators out there that it could feel like a competition and that doesn't really interest me. Many of these movies have been dealt with before by Mystery Science Theater and others online and in print, so I'm not really breaking any new ground anyway. It gives me an outlet and that's all I'm looking for. It's way easier (for me) to make snide comments like I've been doing than it is to seriously look at something in depth the way others here (and you know the ones I mean) are doing so well, so I'm actually taking an easy way out. And speaking of which, I started the thread because I have a taste for this kind of movie, but I didn't intend to dominate the discussion, so I hope others will keep adding their own. Life isn't worth living without a little stupid fun once in a while, so thanks for joining in. |
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Post by NoShear on Nov 10, 2024 16:20:22 GMT
I Love Melvin, consider - and maybe you already are doing this - holding back observations to some extent should you someday reach out to see publication of your reviews. Thanks, NoShear, but I'm just doing it for the fun of it and also to help flesh out this relatively new site. There are so many content creators out there that it could feel like a competition and that doesn't really interest me. Many of these movies have been dealt with before by Mystery Science Theater and others online and in print, so I'm not really breaking any new ground anyway. It gives me an outlet and that's all I'm looking for. It's way easier (for me) to make snide comments like I've been doing than it is to seriously look at something in depth the way others here (and you know the ones I mean) are doing so well, so I'm actually taking an easy way out. And speaking of which, I started the thread because I have a taste for this kind of movie, but I didn't intend to dominate the discussion, so I hope others will keep adding their own. Life isn't worth living without a little stupid fun once in a while, so thanks for joining in. It's not hype, I Love Melvin: Your knowledge is impressive, and it's dosed - no WILD in the STREETS drop originally intended - with some style, the combo of which makes for an argument that you might have a book in you where this thread's theme is concerned, and I would be flabbergasted if this is not the case. |
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